Sometimes I have to remind myself that the reason I started a blog in the first place was to push myself to write down what is on my heart because if I don't I become what I am at this moment: a mush pot of thoughts and feelings with no way to discern what was the cause and what are the effects.  It is so hard for me to pull myself out of this, so most of the time I just avoid it.  Ha.  Which makes it soooo much better!  There has been so much going on in my life over the past couple of months, so many changes, pressures, and frustrations in almost every area of my life. Honestly, I have just been doing my best to get through without falling apart.  And if I am going to be completely honest, it has been very hard for me to hear God through all of it.  I pray and stick to what I know from scripture, but I don't think it has ever been this hard to feel or hear God.  Why is it that when I feel like I need God the most, He seems the furthest away?  I have asked myself this so many times.  I know from His word that He is never far away, so the problem must be with me.  I am not completely sure, but I think that with all of the changes going on in my life I have hardened my heart to try to protect myself from being hurt more, and in the process I have hardened my heart towards God.  I want answers and direction from Him, but it is very difficult to be vulnerable in any way, even with Him.  

If this is true, it would also explain why I have not felt like myself in a while.  I am so worn and tired with all of my responsibilities that the passion that drove me in those things has diminished.  And I hate it.  I want to want God like I have before, I want to have the burning fire in my heart to see others know Him, I want to be excited about seeing what God will do in my life and the lives of others.  But I can't feel it like I used to.  I feel numb.

I am trying desperately to break out of this and have been begging God to help soften my heart again.  Today I sat down to practice songs for the Christmas Eve Service tonight, and I began to be drawn to the heart of my God through the words of worship and adoration.  Worship has always been what brings me back to Him, if I will truly submit, thank, and praise him in my heart.  I could feel his truth begin to break down my walls. 

 

 This Christmas, I have thought much more about what Jesus did when He offered to be a part of our broken world by being born like one of us.  He chose to suffer pain, sorrow, confusion, frustration, loneliness, and disappointments just like we do.  Because of that we have a Savior that understands us and pleads to God on our behalf.  He chose me.  He chose you. I have had to just sit and try to let that sink in to my stony heart.  He loves me.  He loves you.  Because he walked through this life without sin, I can be with the one who loves me and knows me completely for the rest of eternity.  Because of his choice to remain close to His Father and followed His Father's will instead of his own, I can have a purpose for my life.  I can walk in hope and freedom.  I can lift my head up and know that He has redeemed and forgiven me, never holding any of my wrongs against me.  He never gives up on me, even though I doubt Him daily.  

I don't know where you are right now, but I pray that you will seek Him out.  He says that if we seek him, we will find Him if we seek if with ALL of our hearts.  He is near, waiting for us to turn wholly to Him, not in obligation or fear, but out of gratitude and love.  I can tell that this will be a daily challenge for me, to allow Him to come in and break down the walls of distrust and "protection" I have built up, but I cannot live like I have been.  That is not the life that God has called me to and I will not give up following Him, even when I am my own worst enemy.  Please pray for me, for strength, guidance, wisdom, and wholehearted loving devotion to my Savior.  I pray this for us as well.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  John 10:10