My Journey to Worship

I grew up in the church.  I knew I was supposed to love God and obey Him, but I never really understood that he wanted a relationship with me.  My junior year in high school I started to help lead the worship in my Youth Group.  I have sang and played instruments my whole life, but it was always about sounding perfect for me.  I don't know that I ever really enjoyed singing or playing, other than that people seemed to like when I did.  So my idea of being on the worship team was to be in the background singing harmony so that no one would ever have to hear if I really messed up.  But God always has other plans for us, and by the end of my junior year, our youth pastor and worship leader left, leaving me to lead.  I wanted to run and hide!  But I knew that if I did not do it, there would be no one left to lead.  I started to learn to play the guitar, and alone in my room I learned what worship really was.  As I practiced singing and playing the songs I liked the most, I had a new connection with the words I was singing.  I desperately wanted to mean every word I sang.  I began to pour my heart out to God through song, giving him my fears and insecurities.  I began to love to sing and play music because it was an overflow of my heart.  It was a way for me to truly express what I felt and believed.

As l lead worship over the next year, it became my passion.  I changed.  I started to want to live my life as worship to God, not just following a list of rules.  I decided to go to Music School school to increase my knowledge of music and enhance my abilities.  I was offered a scholarship to Texas State University.  The day I received the letter of acceptance into the music school was the day that I went into the hospital with viral meningitis.  I started having seizures and could not control any part of my body.  I could not walk, talk, or control my eyes. But I knew God was there.  He gave me a supernatural peace when everyone else around me feared the worst.  I began to recover after a few weeks, but the one thing that remained unchanged was my voice.  I could not sing. I could force out a few measly notes here and there, but I had absolutely no control over what came out of my mouth.

I wasn't too worried... at first.  But as months went by and nothing changed, and my doctors telling me that I might never sing again, the reality began to sink in.  My voice, my primary way of expressing my heart to God, what I felt called to use to glorify Him, was gone.  I had to go to Music School as a vocal major not able to string three notes together smoothly.  By God's grace, they let me stay, but it was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life.  I would practice and practice, but nothing changed. Time and again, professors would tell me that I was a bright girl, and should do something else.   But I couldn't.  I couldn't give up on what I knew God had called me to do.
When it came time to practice for my final recital, my vocal teacher, seeing how frustrated I was, told me to close my eyes and just sing it to God, from my heart.  I sang, "It's all about you, Jesus.  And all this is for you, for your glory and your fame.  It's not about me, as if you should do things my way.  You alone are God and I surrender, to your ways."  In that moment, I surrendered what I loved most, what I thought God wanted for me, and just told him that I wanted Him more than I wanted my voice back.  I promised that I would worship and follow him with my life. When I opened my eyes, my teacher just stared at me.  I could hear my mom crying in the other room.  My teacher asked me what just happened, because as I sang the song, everything seemed to come back.  I could sing!  But not with the soft, sweet, yet controlled voice as before, but with depth and passion. God restored my voice, even gave me a new one.  I know now that my voice is not my own.  It does not belong to me for my own will or my own glory.  It is God's to be used how He desires.  My heart is to give my all to Him, trusting him no matter what he brings my way, worshipping through it all.

    Sometimes I have to remind myself that the reason I started a blog in the first place was to push myself to write down what is on my heart because if I don't I become what I am at this moment: a mush pot of thoughts and feelings with no way to discern what was the cause and what are the effects.  It is so hard for me to pull myself out of this, so most of the time I just avoid it.  Ha.  Which makes it soooo much better!  There has been so much going on in my life over the past couple of months, so many changes, pressures, and frustrations in almost every area of my life. Honestly, I have just been doing my best to get through without falling apart.  And if I am going to be completely honest, it has been very hard for me to hear God through all of it.  I pray and stick to what I know from scripture, but I don't think it has ever been this hard to feel or hear God.  Why is it that when I feel like I need God the most, He seems the furthest away?  I have asked myself this so many times.  I know from His word that He is never far away, so the problem must be with me.  I am not completely sure, but I think that with all of the changes going on in my life I have hardened my heart to try to protect myself from being hurt more, and in the process I have hardened my heart towards God.  I want answers and direction from Him, but it is very difficult to be vulnerable in any way, even with Him.  

If this is true, it would also explain why I have not felt like myself in a while.  I am so worn and tired with all of my responsibilities that the passion that drove me in those things has diminished.  And I hate it.  I want to want God like I have before, I want to have the burning fire in my heart to see others know Him, I want to be excited about seeing what God will do in my life and the lives of others.  But I can't feel it like I used to.  I feel numb.

I am trying desperately to break out of this and have been begging God to help soften my heart again.  Today I sat down to practice songs for the Christmas Eve Service tonight, and I began to be drawn to the heart of my God through the words of worship and adoration.  Worship has always been what brings me back to Him, if I will truly submit, thank, and praise him in my heart.  I could feel his truth begin to break down my walls. 

 

 This Christmas, I have thought much more about what Jesus did when He offered to be a part of our broken world by being born like one of us.  He chose to suffer pain, sorrow, confusion, frustration, loneliness, and disappointments just like we do.  Because of that we have a Savior that understands us and pleads to God on our behalf.  He chose me.  He chose you. I have had to just sit and try to let that sink in to my stony heart.  He loves me.  He loves you.  Because he walked through this life without sin, I can be with the one who loves me and knows me completely for the rest of eternity.  Because of his choice to remain close to His Father and followed His Father's will instead of his own, I can have a purpose for my life.  I can walk in hope and freedom.  I can lift my head up and know that He has redeemed and forgiven me, never holding any of my wrongs against me.  He never gives up on me, even though I doubt Him daily.  

I don't know where you are right now, but I pray that you will seek Him out.  He says that if we seek him, we will find Him if we seek if with ALL of our hearts.  He is near, waiting for us to turn wholly to Him, not in obligation or fear, but out of gratitude and love.  I can tell that this will be a daily challenge for me, to allow Him to come in and break down the walls of distrust and "protection" I have built up, but I cannot live like I have been.  That is not the life that God has called me to and I will not give up following Him, even when I am my own worst enemy.  Please pray for me, for strength, guidance, wisdom, and wholehearted loving devotion to my Savior.  I pray this for us as well.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  John 10:10

Carry On

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."  John 16:33 "Wait for the LORD;  be strong, and let your heart take courage;    wait for the LORD!"  Psalm 27:14 "Love the LORD, all you his saints!    The LORD preserves the faithful but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.      Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD!"             Psalm 31:23-24 So what do you do when everything seems like it is falling apart?  When all of your plans suddenly smack you in the face and all you are left with is hurt, disappointment, and confusion?  Do you turn to God for comfort and direction or away from Him?  Does His promise to make everything work for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose seem far out of reach?  Do you believe in and trust God's love and plan for you even in the darkest hour, or do you take things into your own hands?  These are all the questions we have to face when God allows pain and confusion into our lives.   I have had to face these questions so many times that somehow I believe that the next time it won't be so hard.  It's true in a way I guess.  When I choose to believe that God is who He says He is even when I can't feel Him, hear Him, or see anything good, a foundation of trust is built that I did not have before.  But it does not make the next situation any less painful.  When I trust Him instead of reacting and making choices out of my hurt, it builds confidence in the God I choose to surrender my life to, because in the midst of the pain I can say that I know my God will work all things for my good, he will not leave me alone.   There have been many points in my life that I have wanted to just walk away from God because, in my mind, he has let me down.  I suppose subconsciously I have believed that if I surrender my life to God, He will keep me from pain, and if I follow Him everything should work out perfectly.  Unfortunately, this is just not true.  I know now that it is in the the trials and confusion that God draws me to himself and refines me.  If everything worked out perfectly all the time I would grow to believe I don't really need Him and that this life is really all about me.  And this is so far from the truth.  While God loves me and knows me better than I know myself, and He longs to impart to me his peace and joy as I walk in his presence, that is not the end goal. We were created to bring him glory.  When I turn my eyes from my hurt and the things of this world and onto my Savior, the lover of my soul, he changes my heart.  I know that He is in control and while he will take care of me and work everything for my good, he is also accomplishing his will for his Kingdom. So the question is, do you really trust God to do this?  No matter what?  I have seen many people decide that if God loved them he would not allow whatever bad thing has happened in their life. The problem is, they walk away from God in order to hurt Him in some way, and they end up cutting themselves off from their only source of hope.  They make decisions that hurt them more than the initial let down.   Any time I am tempted to be angry at God or say I am just tired of trying to do things His way, I look at the lives others who have decided to turn from God and take things into their own hands, and the devastation it brings.  As much as I may want to just do what I feel like for a change, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it will end in pain.  Sometimes I get mad at God that I cannot feel Him in the midst of the trials, and all I want is to feel him near me.  Nothing.  Those are the hardest times.  When you cannot see or hear God anywhere.  All you see is pain.  That is when you have to hold onto hope.  You have to hold onto who God says he is, how he has proven himself in the past.  We cannot control or manipulate God, but I believe he honors the heart that holds onto him when there seems to be no hope and no words of comfort.  Wait on Him.  Be still and know that He is God.  He is bigger than any situation we face, and if we let him, he will use it to make us more like him.  He is faithful. "Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD!"             Psalm 31:24

But the cares of this life...

Sometimes I just don't know what to say.  I realize it has been several months since my last post and I am mad at myself for letting so much time pass.  It's not really that big of a deal I guess, but one of the reasons for starting this blog was to make myself reflect on and express what I am thinking about or walking through.  Most of the time I just don't know what to say or how to process my thoughts and feelings, so it is easier for me to just not face them. I say nothing and my mind remains a mass of jumbled ideas, thoughts and emotions.  I have done this my entire life and it is not good for me.  So I am attempting to sort through the mess and pull out the truth.   So, here it goes.

Most of the time I blame not writing on being busy and having no time, which is true in some ways, but I know that I can make time for things that are good for me.  But I'm not very good at taking care of me.  I want to encourage everyone else and help them feel better and grow in their relationship with God, and I put myself on the back burner until I waste away.  I think that is how I have felt lately.  It frustrates me because I am not completely sure why.  Maybe it is the new job and adjusting to yet another work load and environment.  Maybe it is my inability to say no.  But whatever it is,   I feel unable to say and think what I feel.  What makes it even worse is that I am frustrated with myself for letting all of this stuff in my head hinder me from being closer to God.  I know what it is like to walk day by day with God and feel his peace moment by moment and know a joy that surpasses any circumstance.  And no matter how much I want Him, all these thoughts, feelings, and worries just seem to cloud my vision of Him.  I have moments of complete peace and clarity when I am worshiping or praying, where I know who I am and whose I am, but they are soon stolen away from me by the cares of this life. And I hate it.

At this moment, God is reminding me that I am not meant to walk through this life out of my own energy, strength, and love.  It is not possible for me to bear fruit and experience the joy and purpose meant for me on my own.  And I know this.  I have walked through years of guarding myself against this and surrendering my fears to God.  So why now is it so difficult?  Vision.  Where am I putting my focus?

 Me, myself, and I.  Blech.  It seems so contradictory to me.  I spend all of my time trying to make others happy and encouraged and leave myself out of the loop, but yet all I can see is my own problems.  I believe I was made to serve and encourage others, but I have twisted it and attempted to accomplish it out of my own strength.  God created me to be an encouragement to others, it is one of my spiritual gifts.  And that is key.  It is a spiritual gift, which means it is only truly fruitful when my eyes are on my Savior and my heart is surrendered to Him in love.  When I do that, He fills me up to overflowing, so that others are refreshed as well.  I am realizing that right now, for whatever reason, I need to be intentional about spending even more time with him, praying, reading his words to me, and worshipping Him by myself. Without those things, I will continue to cut myself off from his truth and comfort.

God forgive me for not keeping my eyes on you.  I don't know why this is harder now than it ever has been before, but I need your help.  Thank you for your love and grace that never give up on me, and gently guide me back to you.  I pray that my heart and eyes would be clear as they are set on you.  I want to know you, I want to know your heart.  Please overcome my fears with your perfect peace and help my unbelief.  Your sacrifice has purchased my freedom and I am yours; your vessel to use as you desire.  I trust that you always have my best in mind and I surrender to your plans even when they don't look like mine. (Which is always ha.) Don't let me fall any further away from you.  May we seek you above all else and desire to live a life through your power that is honoring to you.  Guide us into the plans you have for us, overcome our hearts with your love.  Amen.

Humbly, Honestly

So I now have three days of school under my belt and I feel like it has gone really well!  Not that every class runs exactly the way I want it to, but overall I feel good about what I am doing.  It definitely takes a lot of energy out of me though.  I don't want to complain at all because I feel so blessed, but I have four 45 minute classes back to back with no breaks in between and for whatever reason it drains me!  Maybe its just because it is the first week, but after the first three classes I just wanted to sit and zone out for a little while.  This surprises me though after my schedule last year.  It should feel like nothing!

Maybe it is just part of my personality.  I am an introvert, and while I have gotten over many of my fears of talking in front of people, it still takes a lot out of me.  Most Sundays I have to go home and take a three hour nap to recover from an hour and a half of leading.  I LOVE what I do but I really believe that this is one way God keeps me close because I know I won't be able to make it on my own.  I know that He has equipped me and gifted me with the abilities to do what He has asked me to do but I also know that my weaknesses are purposeful in keeping me reliant on Him.  This has been very apparent to me as I have grown in my ministry.  I know I am not the most talented musician, and the difficulties I have encountered in the past with my voice have shown me there is not much good I can do on my own. I experience so much fear during the years I was relearning to sing that anxiety attacks were frequent.  Being told I might never sing again, humiliating myself in front of peers and professors, and never knowing what sound would come out of my mouth really took its toll on me. But through all of that God continued to lead me and press on my heart to love Him and trust Him first.  So in the midst of the fear He just asked for my heart, all of it.  And He taught me that when I play and sing to Him out of love and joy for who He is, He makes up for my fears and my weaknesses.  He gives me the words to speak even though I don't trust my ability to articulate well.  There are times when I just start speaking more clearly, forcefully and passionately than I ever have on my own and I know that God is taking over.  For whatever reason, He still chooses to use me, even when I feel that I would be the last one on earth for Him to use.  And the thing that I really love, is in those moments when I know He being strong in my weaknesses, I feel so close to him and I am energized like nothing else.  Sometimes when I am worshipping I am so overwhelmed by the presence of God and the joy and love I find in Him that I almost feel I cannot contain it.  That is not in me or from me.  That is all God.

That is worship though.  For a long time I have struggled with my purpose in teaching because I did not experience the same clarity and energy.  Many times I came home so defeated and drained that I begged God to give me another job.  But one of the most beautiful things that happened at the San Marcos Treatment Center is that I finally was able to let God be strong in my weaknesses.  I had to ask God to fill me with His love and patience every day or I wouldn't make it.  Not only would I not make it, but there was also the possibility of saying or doing something that would set a student off, and I usually prefer to not be hit or have things thrown at me.  So I learned quickly that I was not able to give those kids what they needed on my own. When I accepted that it was not a mistake that I was there and asked God to take over every day, He was faithful to do that.  I learned to recognize that I needed Him every moment of every day or things would go south quickly.  The difference in my teaching and my relationships with students was so stark that even my principle saw it and commented often on how my confidence and effectiveness as a teacher just blossomed.  The change in me and my classroom was amazing.  I found ways to explain things I would have never thought of and His supernatural patience and wisdom astounded me.  Now there were definitely days that I did not go in prepared and it was like a slap in the face.  He was making me learn to lean on him day in and day out.  

Now I have a new job, and while it is not as extreme an environment it still requires much patience and wisdom.  I have already seen the difference between the days I go in humble and desperately asking for God to fill me and the days where I go in saying a short prayer but not really realizing how much I need Him.  Today things went so much better because I could sense Jesus constantly telling me that these were his kids and he wanted to love on them today through me.  It completely changes the way I see them.  While it is so tempting to dread the tougher classes, its as if He is saying to me, "But these are the ones that really need me today and I know what they are going through and what they need.  Can you put away your pride and self-sufficiency long enough so I can use you?"  It is so humbling to see the difference between what I see and expect from students and what God sees and wants to give them.

So while I still long to be full time ministry, in a way I feel like I am.  When I let God fill me and use me I see how much He is changing me and my heart.  This is ministry.  It may not be the context I desire to be in, but He is using this to mold me into who He wants me to be.  Ministry requires patience, grace, love, discipline, strength, and wisdom far beyond what I can give in my own power.  Teaching is teaching me to recognize that I can do nothing good in and of myself for there is nothing good in me.  But He longs to be strong in my weaknesses and for me to rely on him completely.  This is the way it is meant to be.  May we daily come to the end of ourselves and see that the difficult and trying circumstances in our lives are God's windows to call us back to complete devotion and reliance on Him.

Seeking

I was reading in a devotional this morning called, "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.  This book is a compilation of her journal entries over years of time she spent with God.   The entry for today really spoke to my heart and I wanted to share it with you.


Jesus Calling - July 20


 As a deer pants for flowing streams,
   so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
   for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
Psalm 42:1-2 ESV


Those who look to him are radiant,
   and their faces shall never be ashamed.
Psalm 34:5 ESV


Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world...
Philippians 2:14-25


"Seek my face, and you will find all that you have longed for.  The deepest yearnings of your heart are for intimacy with Me.  I know, because I designed you to desire Me.  Do not feel guilty about taking time to be still in My Presence.  You are simply responding to the tugs of divinity within you.  I made you in My image, and I hid heaven in your heart.  Your yearning for me is a form of homesickness; longing for your true home in heaven.


Do not be afraid to be different from other people. The path I have called you to travel  is exquisitely right for you.  The more closely you follow My leading, the more fully I can develop your gifts.  To follow Me wholeheartedly, you must relinquish your desire to please other people. However, your closeness to Me will bless others by enabling you to shine brightly in this dark world."


The More I Seek You
Kari Jobe


The more I seek you, The more I find you
The more I find you, The more I love you


I want to sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hands
Lay back against you and breathe
Feel your heartbeat
This love is so deep 
Its more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
Its overwhelming