But the cares of this life...

Sometimes I just don't know what to say.  I realize it has been several months since my last post and I am mad at myself for letting so much time pass.  It's not really that big of a deal I guess, but one of the reasons for starting this blog was to make myself reflect on and express what I am thinking about or walking through.  Most of the time I just don't know what to say or how to process my thoughts and feelings, so it is easier for me to just not face them. I say nothing and my mind remains a mass of jumbled ideas, thoughts and emotions.  I have done this my entire life and it is not good for me.  So I am attempting to sort through the mess and pull out the truth.   So, here it goes.

Most of the time I blame not writing on being busy and having no time, which is true in some ways, but I know that I can make time for things that are good for me.  But I'm not very good at taking care of me.  I want to encourage everyone else and help them feel better and grow in their relationship with God, and I put myself on the back burner until I waste away.  I think that is how I have felt lately.  It frustrates me because I am not completely sure why.  Maybe it is the new job and adjusting to yet another work load and environment.  Maybe it is my inability to say no.  But whatever it is,   I feel unable to say and think what I feel.  What makes it even worse is that I am frustrated with myself for letting all of this stuff in my head hinder me from being closer to God.  I know what it is like to walk day by day with God and feel his peace moment by moment and know a joy that surpasses any circumstance.  And no matter how much I want Him, all these thoughts, feelings, and worries just seem to cloud my vision of Him.  I have moments of complete peace and clarity when I am worshiping or praying, where I know who I am and whose I am, but they are soon stolen away from me by the cares of this life. And I hate it.

At this moment, God is reminding me that I am not meant to walk through this life out of my own energy, strength, and love.  It is not possible for me to bear fruit and experience the joy and purpose meant for me on my own.  And I know this.  I have walked through years of guarding myself against this and surrendering my fears to God.  So why now is it so difficult?  Vision.  Where am I putting my focus?

 Me, myself, and I.  Blech.  It seems so contradictory to me.  I spend all of my time trying to make others happy and encouraged and leave myself out of the loop, but yet all I can see is my own problems.  I believe I was made to serve and encourage others, but I have twisted it and attempted to accomplish it out of my own strength.  God created me to be an encouragement to others, it is one of my spiritual gifts.  And that is key.  It is a spiritual gift, which means it is only truly fruitful when my eyes are on my Savior and my heart is surrendered to Him in love.  When I do that, He fills me up to overflowing, so that others are refreshed as well.  I am realizing that right now, for whatever reason, I need to be intentional about spending even more time with him, praying, reading his words to me, and worshipping Him by myself. Without those things, I will continue to cut myself off from his truth and comfort.

God forgive me for not keeping my eyes on you.  I don't know why this is harder now than it ever has been before, but I need your help.  Thank you for your love and grace that never give up on me, and gently guide me back to you.  I pray that my heart and eyes would be clear as they are set on you.  I want to know you, I want to know your heart.  Please overcome my fears with your perfect peace and help my unbelief.  Your sacrifice has purchased my freedom and I am yours; your vessel to use as you desire.  I trust that you always have my best in mind and I surrender to your plans even when they don't look like mine. (Which is always ha.) Don't let me fall any further away from you.  May we seek you above all else and desire to live a life through your power that is honoring to you.  Guide us into the plans you have for us, overcome our hearts with your love.  Amen.