Humbly, Honestly

So I now have three days of school under my belt and I feel like it has gone really well!  Not that every class runs exactly the way I want it to, but overall I feel good about what I am doing.  It definitely takes a lot of energy out of me though.  I don't want to complain at all because I feel so blessed, but I have four 45 minute classes back to back with no breaks in between and for whatever reason it drains me!  Maybe its just because it is the first week, but after the first three classes I just wanted to sit and zone out for a little while.  This surprises me though after my schedule last year.  It should feel like nothing!

Maybe it is just part of my personality.  I am an introvert, and while I have gotten over many of my fears of talking in front of people, it still takes a lot out of me.  Most Sundays I have to go home and take a three hour nap to recover from an hour and a half of leading.  I LOVE what I do but I really believe that this is one way God keeps me close because I know I won't be able to make it on my own.  I know that He has equipped me and gifted me with the abilities to do what He has asked me to do but I also know that my weaknesses are purposeful in keeping me reliant on Him.  This has been very apparent to me as I have grown in my ministry.  I know I am not the most talented musician, and the difficulties I have encountered in the past with my voice have shown me there is not much good I can do on my own. I experience so much fear during the years I was relearning to sing that anxiety attacks were frequent.  Being told I might never sing again, humiliating myself in front of peers and professors, and never knowing what sound would come out of my mouth really took its toll on me. But through all of that God continued to lead me and press on my heart to love Him and trust Him first.  So in the midst of the fear He just asked for my heart, all of it.  And He taught me that when I play and sing to Him out of love and joy for who He is, He makes up for my fears and my weaknesses.  He gives me the words to speak even though I don't trust my ability to articulate well.  There are times when I just start speaking more clearly, forcefully and passionately than I ever have on my own and I know that God is taking over.  For whatever reason, He still chooses to use me, even when I feel that I would be the last one on earth for Him to use.  And the thing that I really love, is in those moments when I know He being strong in my weaknesses, I feel so close to him and I am energized like nothing else.  Sometimes when I am worshipping I am so overwhelmed by the presence of God and the joy and love I find in Him that I almost feel I cannot contain it.  That is not in me or from me.  That is all God.

That is worship though.  For a long time I have struggled with my purpose in teaching because I did not experience the same clarity and energy.  Many times I came home so defeated and drained that I begged God to give me another job.  But one of the most beautiful things that happened at the San Marcos Treatment Center is that I finally was able to let God be strong in my weaknesses.  I had to ask God to fill me with His love and patience every day or I wouldn't make it.  Not only would I not make it, but there was also the possibility of saying or doing something that would set a student off, and I usually prefer to not be hit or have things thrown at me.  So I learned quickly that I was not able to give those kids what they needed on my own. When I accepted that it was not a mistake that I was there and asked God to take over every day, He was faithful to do that.  I learned to recognize that I needed Him every moment of every day or things would go south quickly.  The difference in my teaching and my relationships with students was so stark that even my principle saw it and commented often on how my confidence and effectiveness as a teacher just blossomed.  The change in me and my classroom was amazing.  I found ways to explain things I would have never thought of and His supernatural patience and wisdom astounded me.  Now there were definitely days that I did not go in prepared and it was like a slap in the face.  He was making me learn to lean on him day in and day out.  

Now I have a new job, and while it is not as extreme an environment it still requires much patience and wisdom.  I have already seen the difference between the days I go in humble and desperately asking for God to fill me and the days where I go in saying a short prayer but not really realizing how much I need Him.  Today things went so much better because I could sense Jesus constantly telling me that these were his kids and he wanted to love on them today through me.  It completely changes the way I see them.  While it is so tempting to dread the tougher classes, its as if He is saying to me, "But these are the ones that really need me today and I know what they are going through and what they need.  Can you put away your pride and self-sufficiency long enough so I can use you?"  It is so humbling to see the difference between what I see and expect from students and what God sees and wants to give them.

So while I still long to be full time ministry, in a way I feel like I am.  When I let God fill me and use me I see how much He is changing me and my heart.  This is ministry.  It may not be the context I desire to be in, but He is using this to mold me into who He wants me to be.  Ministry requires patience, grace, love, discipline, strength, and wisdom far beyond what I can give in my own power.  Teaching is teaching me to recognize that I can do nothing good in and of myself for there is nothing good in me.  But He longs to be strong in my weaknesses and for me to rely on him completely.  This is the way it is meant to be.  May we daily come to the end of ourselves and see that the difficult and trying circumstances in our lives are God's windows to call us back to complete devotion and reliance on Him.