Humbly, Honestly

So I now have three days of school under my belt and I feel like it has gone really well!  Not that every class runs exactly the way I want it to, but overall I feel good about what I am doing.  It definitely takes a lot of energy out of me though.  I don't want to complain at all because I feel so blessed, but I have four 45 minute classes back to back with no breaks in between and for whatever reason it drains me!  Maybe its just because it is the first week, but after the first three classes I just wanted to sit and zone out for a little while.  This surprises me though after my schedule last year.  It should feel like nothing!

Maybe it is just part of my personality.  I am an introvert, and while I have gotten over many of my fears of talking in front of people, it still takes a lot out of me.  Most Sundays I have to go home and take a three hour nap to recover from an hour and a half of leading.  I LOVE what I do but I really believe that this is one way God keeps me close because I know I won't be able to make it on my own.  I know that He has equipped me and gifted me with the abilities to do what He has asked me to do but I also know that my weaknesses are purposeful in keeping me reliant on Him.  This has been very apparent to me as I have grown in my ministry.  I know I am not the most talented musician, and the difficulties I have encountered in the past with my voice have shown me there is not much good I can do on my own. I experience so much fear during the years I was relearning to sing that anxiety attacks were frequent.  Being told I might never sing again, humiliating myself in front of peers and professors, and never knowing what sound would come out of my mouth really took its toll on me. But through all of that God continued to lead me and press on my heart to love Him and trust Him first.  So in the midst of the fear He just asked for my heart, all of it.  And He taught me that when I play and sing to Him out of love and joy for who He is, He makes up for my fears and my weaknesses.  He gives me the words to speak even though I don't trust my ability to articulate well.  There are times when I just start speaking more clearly, forcefully and passionately than I ever have on my own and I know that God is taking over.  For whatever reason, He still chooses to use me, even when I feel that I would be the last one on earth for Him to use.  And the thing that I really love, is in those moments when I know He being strong in my weaknesses, I feel so close to him and I am energized like nothing else.  Sometimes when I am worshipping I am so overwhelmed by the presence of God and the joy and love I find in Him that I almost feel I cannot contain it.  That is not in me or from me.  That is all God.

That is worship though.  For a long time I have struggled with my purpose in teaching because I did not experience the same clarity and energy.  Many times I came home so defeated and drained that I begged God to give me another job.  But one of the most beautiful things that happened at the San Marcos Treatment Center is that I finally was able to let God be strong in my weaknesses.  I had to ask God to fill me with His love and patience every day or I wouldn't make it.  Not only would I not make it, but there was also the possibility of saying or doing something that would set a student off, and I usually prefer to not be hit or have things thrown at me.  So I learned quickly that I was not able to give those kids what they needed on my own. When I accepted that it was not a mistake that I was there and asked God to take over every day, He was faithful to do that.  I learned to recognize that I needed Him every moment of every day or things would go south quickly.  The difference in my teaching and my relationships with students was so stark that even my principle saw it and commented often on how my confidence and effectiveness as a teacher just blossomed.  The change in me and my classroom was amazing.  I found ways to explain things I would have never thought of and His supernatural patience and wisdom astounded me.  Now there were definitely days that I did not go in prepared and it was like a slap in the face.  He was making me learn to lean on him day in and day out.  

Now I have a new job, and while it is not as extreme an environment it still requires much patience and wisdom.  I have already seen the difference between the days I go in humble and desperately asking for God to fill me and the days where I go in saying a short prayer but not really realizing how much I need Him.  Today things went so much better because I could sense Jesus constantly telling me that these were his kids and he wanted to love on them today through me.  It completely changes the way I see them.  While it is so tempting to dread the tougher classes, its as if He is saying to me, "But these are the ones that really need me today and I know what they are going through and what they need.  Can you put away your pride and self-sufficiency long enough so I can use you?"  It is so humbling to see the difference between what I see and expect from students and what God sees and wants to give them.

So while I still long to be full time ministry, in a way I feel like I am.  When I let God fill me and use me I see how much He is changing me and my heart.  This is ministry.  It may not be the context I desire to be in, but He is using this to mold me into who He wants me to be.  Ministry requires patience, grace, love, discipline, strength, and wisdom far beyond what I can give in my own power.  Teaching is teaching me to recognize that I can do nothing good in and of myself for there is nothing good in me.  But He longs to be strong in my weaknesses and for me to rely on him completely.  This is the way it is meant to be.  May we daily come to the end of ourselves and see that the difficult and trying circumstances in our lives are God's windows to call us back to complete devotion and reliance on Him.

Seeking

I was reading in a devotional this morning called, "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.  This book is a compilation of her journal entries over years of time she spent with God.   The entry for today really spoke to my heart and I wanted to share it with you.


Jesus Calling - July 20


 As a deer pants for flowing streams,
   so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
   for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
Psalm 42:1-2 ESV


Those who look to him are radiant,
   and their faces shall never be ashamed.
Psalm 34:5 ESV


Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world...
Philippians 2:14-25


"Seek my face, and you will find all that you have longed for.  The deepest yearnings of your heart are for intimacy with Me.  I know, because I designed you to desire Me.  Do not feel guilty about taking time to be still in My Presence.  You are simply responding to the tugs of divinity within you.  I made you in My image, and I hid heaven in your heart.  Your yearning for me is a form of homesickness; longing for your true home in heaven.


Do not be afraid to be different from other people. The path I have called you to travel  is exquisitely right for you.  The more closely you follow My leading, the more fully I can develop your gifts.  To follow Me wholeheartedly, you must relinquish your desire to please other people. However, your closeness to Me will bless others by enabling you to shine brightly in this dark world."


The More I Seek You
Kari Jobe


The more I seek you, The more I find you
The more I find you, The more I love you


I want to sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hands
Lay back against you and breathe
Feel your heartbeat
This love is so deep 
Its more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
Its overwhelming

The Long Journey

This is my desire: to know God and walk with him, to know His voice and His leading, to trust Him completely without question, and to allow Him to use me to show others who He really is.  However, I constantly fall short of this, getting caught up in the things of the world, in my fears and my worries, and my plans.  Ugh, MY plans.  The minute I thought I knew God's plan for me I took it and ran with it instead of staying close and surrendered to Him.  He has taken me through many painful years getting me to a place where I can let go of my plans or even what I think He wants for me and just live with Him as my greatest desire and hope day by day.  That's the key. Staying so close and surrendered to Him that He leads me down the right paths for me without my even knowing the plan.  Maybe someday He will give me a hint to his plan for me, but as for right now He continues to put me in places that require me to just follow and trust without being able to see.

The last several years have been a great struggle for me, much of which has come from job situations.  When I went to college, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had called me to worship him with my voice and my life.  I had an insatiable to desire to provide a place of honest desire and surrender in the presence of God, a place where there is freedom to truly cry out to God and seek him, a place where you all focus glory go to God and life is no longer about me.  This is where my life changed because my relationship with God became real.  It was not about rules, being good, or living up to the expectations of others.  I found freedom and joy in the presence of God.  That is  what I long to give others a chance to find.  To step outside of a religion and into a passionate relationship with the creator and lover of our souls.
This has been a burning desire in my heart that nothing has been able to dampen.  Even losing my voice and having to relearn everything that had always come naturally to me.  Two years of having to fight for what I knew God had called me to but at the same time, learning to completely surrender and trust this God that I had learned to love.  In that time, I learned that anything, even the things God calls you to, can get in the way of what He wants for you if He does not remain the highest and truest love of your heart.  It is when I finally surrendered and told God that I believed he had called me to worship him, so I would worship Him however I could, even if it meant I would never sing again.  In that moment, he became the love of my heart again, and He restored my voice to me and marked it with a change, a kind of strength and honesty it never had before. I have seen the goodness and faithfulness of God.
And yet.
I still manage to doubt Him and His love for me. He has been so good to me, allowing me to lead worship with a body of believers in New Braunfels.  I get to do what I love!  However it is only part time, requiring me to spend most of my time and energy at a full time job. This has been a great struggle for me because I long to focus all my energies on ministry, but I gotta pay the bills.  So I have gone from job to job over the past three years.  Most of which have been less than ideal in my mind.  I would cry out and ask God why He was having spend so much energy on all of these things I did not want to do, when I could do so much for Him if I could be in full time ministry!  I knew in theory that everything God brings into our lives has a purpose and is not an accident.  But I didn't want to believe there could be any purpose for me in sitting at a desk and typing all day long, or working at a psychiatric facility with emotionally disturbed children with extreme behavior issues.  I couldn't see this fitting into the plan I thought God had or me.  And so for a while, I was miserable.  I would pray and ask God to use me where I was, but there was a huge part of my heart that resented where He put me.  It felt like an accident.  Like I must have done something wrong along the way so this is where I have to be until God can get me and my life back together.

But God is so gracious, continually trying to turn my heart to Him.  Finally, I realized that I was the common denominator in these situations.  I knew I should be thankful for the paycheck and provision God was supplying through those jobs, but I refused to see that God wanted me in each of those places.  They were my ministry for the moment.  Not full time church ministry.  My daily life, with the regular routines and menial tasks lived out in the presence of others. Somehow God managed to use me in each of those places despite myself.  But right after Christmas this past year I finally got it.  I asked God to change my heart and help me to desire what He had given me.  The next day at work, my perspective completely changed.  He gave me so much love for those kids.  He gave me supernatural patience and peace in the midst of so much hurt and anger.  I became a completely different teacher and made relationships with those kids that have changed me and the way I view myself and others.  God changed my heart towards people and used me to provide a place of peace, safety, grace, and  respect.

And now He has given me a new job, again not full time ministry.  But I feel that He used my experiences over the past several years to make me ready for whatever He calls me to do.  And I know that right now, my job is to minister to the students, faculty, and parents and Freiheit Elementary.  I choose to trust that He has me here for a reason, and I am so thankful that now I have a job that requires less planning and paperwork so I can spend more time doing the things that I love.

Honestly, I still have no idea what the future holds for me.  I often beg God to give me just a little peek at the plans He has for me, but I know better.  I know that right now, He wants me to know Him.  And as I  follow Him daily, listening for his whispers and delighting in Him, He will lead me in the way He has for me.  I need to be content with that, with Him.  A point will come where as I live close to Him and know His voice, He will show me something or lay something on my heart that I am to do.  But it will not come without being close to Him.  It feels as if it has been a long journey and yet I know it has only just begun.  But this journey will lead me to my Savior, to greater purpose and joy than I could find on my own in anything this world has to offer.  I will follow.

Trust in the LORD and do good;
   dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the LORD,
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;
   trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
   your vindication like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD
   and wait patiently for him; 

Psalm 37:3-7

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