| "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33 "Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!" Psalm 27:14 "Love the LORD, all you his saints! The LORD preserves the faithful but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride. Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD!" Psalm 31:23-24 So what do you do when everything seems like it is falling apart? When all of your plans suddenly smack you in the face and all you are left with is hurt, disappointment, and confusion? Do you turn to God for comfort and direction or away from Him? Does His promise to make everything work for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose seem far out of reach? Do you believe in and trust God's love and plan for you even in the darkest hour, or do you take things into your own hands? These are all the questions we have to face when God allows pain and confusion into our lives. I have had to face these questions so many times that somehow I believe that the next time it won't be so hard. It's true in a way I guess. When I choose to believe that God is who He says He is even when I can't feel Him, hear Him, or see anything good, a foundation of trust is built that I did not have before. But it does not make the next situation any less painful. When I trust Him instead of reacting and making choices out of my hurt, it builds confidence in the God I choose to surrender my life to, because in the midst of the pain I can say that I know my God will work all things for my good, he will not leave me alone. There have been many points in my life that I have wanted to just walk away from God because, in my mind, he has let me down. I suppose subconsciously I have believed that if I surrender my life to God, He will keep me from pain, and if I follow Him everything should work out perfectly. Unfortunately, this is just not true. I know now that it is in the the trials and confusion that God draws me to himself and refines me. If everything worked out perfectly all the time I would grow to believe I don't really need Him and that this life is really all about me. And this is so far from the truth. While God loves me and knows me better than I know myself, and He longs to impart to me his peace and joy as I walk in his presence, that is not the end goal. We were created to bring him glory. When I turn my eyes from my hurt and the things of this world and onto my Savior, the lover of my soul, he changes my heart. I know that He is in control and while he will take care of me and work everything for my good, he is also accomplishing his will for his Kingdom. So the question is, do you really trust God to do this? No matter what? I have seen many people decide that if God loved them he would not allow whatever bad thing has happened in their life. The problem is, they walk away from God in order to hurt Him in some way, and they end up cutting themselves off from their only source of hope. They make decisions that hurt them more than the initial let down. Any time I am tempted to be angry at God or say I am just tired of trying to do things His way, I look at the lives others who have decided to turn from God and take things into their own hands, and the devastation it brings. As much as I may want to just do what I feel like for a change, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it will end in pain. Sometimes I get mad at God that I cannot feel Him in the midst of the trials, and all I want is to feel him near me. Nothing. Those are the hardest times. When you cannot see or hear God anywhere. All you see is pain. That is when you have to hold onto hope. You have to hold onto who God says he is, how he has proven himself in the past. We cannot control or manipulate God, but I believe he honors the heart that holds onto him when there seems to be no hope and no words of comfort. Wait on Him. Be still and know that He is God. He is bigger than any situation we face, and if we let him, he will use it to make us more like him. He is faithful. "Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD!" Psalm 31:24 |
Friday, October 28, 2011
Carry On
Thursday, October 13, 2011
But the cares of this life...
Sometimes I just don't know what to say. I realize it has been several months since my last post and I am mad at myself for letting so much time pass. It's not really that big of a deal I guess, but one of the reasons for starting this blog was to make myself reflect on and express what I am thinking about or walking through. Most of the time I just don't know what to say or how to process my thoughts and feelings, so it is easier for me to just not face them. I say nothing and my mind remains a mass of jumbled ideas, thoughts and emotions. I have done this my entire life and it is not good for me. So I am attempting to sort through the mess and pull out the truth. So, here it goes.
Most of the time I blame not writing on being busy and having no time, which is true in some ways, but I know that I can make time for things that are good for me. But I'm not very good at taking care of me. I want to encourage everyone else and help them feel better and grow in their relationship with God, and I put myself on the back burner until I waste away. I think that is how I have felt lately. It frustrates me because I am not completely sure why. Maybe it is the new job and adjusting to yet another work load and environment. Maybe it is my inability to say no. But whatever it is, I feel unable to say and think what I feel. What makes it even worse is that I am frustrated with myself for letting all of this stuff in my head hinder me from being closer to God. I know what it is like to walk day by day with God and feel his peace moment by moment and know a joy that surpasses any circumstance. And no matter how much I want Him, all these thoughts, feelings, and worries just seem to cloud my vision of Him. I have moments of complete peace and clarity when I am worshiping or praying, where I know who I am and whose I am, but they are soon stolen away from me by the cares of this life. And I hate it.
At this moment, God is reminding me that I am not meant to walk through this life out of my own energy, strength, and love. It is not possible for me to bear fruit and experience the joy and purpose meant for me on my own. And I know this. I have walked through years of guarding myself against this and surrendering my fears to God. So why now is it so difficult? Vision. Where am I putting my focus?
Me, myself, and I. Blech. It seems so contradictory to me. I spend all of my time trying to make others happy and encouraged and leave myself out of the loop, but yet all I can see is my own problems. I believe I was made to serve and encourage others, but I have twisted it and attempted to accomplish it out of my own strength. God created me to be an encouragement to others, it is one of my spiritual gifts. And that is key. It is a spiritual gift, which means it is only truly fruitful when my eyes are on my Savior and my heart is surrendered to Him in love. When I do that, He fills me up to overflowing, so that others are refreshed as well. I am realizing that right now, for whatever reason, I need to be intentional about spending even more time with him, praying, reading his words to me, and worshipping Him by myself. Without those things, I will continue to cut myself off from his truth and comfort.
God forgive me for not keeping my eyes on you. I don't know why this is harder now than it ever has been before, but I need your help. Thank you for your love and grace that never give up on me, and gently guide me back to you. I pray that my heart and eyes would be clear as they are set on you. I want to know you, I want to know your heart. Please overcome my fears with your perfect peace and help my unbelief. Your sacrifice has purchased my freedom and I am yours; your vessel to use as you desire. I trust that you always have my best in mind and I surrender to your plans even when they don't look like mine. (Which is always ha.) Don't let me fall any further away from you. May we seek you above all else and desire to live a life through your power that is honoring to you. Guide us into the plans you have for us, overcome our hearts with your love. Amen.
Most of the time I blame not writing on being busy and having no time, which is true in some ways, but I know that I can make time for things that are good for me. But I'm not very good at taking care of me. I want to encourage everyone else and help them feel better and grow in their relationship with God, and I put myself on the back burner until I waste away. I think that is how I have felt lately. It frustrates me because I am not completely sure why. Maybe it is the new job and adjusting to yet another work load and environment. Maybe it is my inability to say no. But whatever it is, I feel unable to say and think what I feel. What makes it even worse is that I am frustrated with myself for letting all of this stuff in my head hinder me from being closer to God. I know what it is like to walk day by day with God and feel his peace moment by moment and know a joy that surpasses any circumstance. And no matter how much I want Him, all these thoughts, feelings, and worries just seem to cloud my vision of Him. I have moments of complete peace and clarity when I am worshiping or praying, where I know who I am and whose I am, but they are soon stolen away from me by the cares of this life. And I hate it.
At this moment, God is reminding me that I am not meant to walk through this life out of my own energy, strength, and love. It is not possible for me to bear fruit and experience the joy and purpose meant for me on my own. And I know this. I have walked through years of guarding myself against this and surrendering my fears to God. So why now is it so difficult? Vision. Where am I putting my focus?
Me, myself, and I. Blech. It seems so contradictory to me. I spend all of my time trying to make others happy and encouraged and leave myself out of the loop, but yet all I can see is my own problems. I believe I was made to serve and encourage others, but I have twisted it and attempted to accomplish it out of my own strength. God created me to be an encouragement to others, it is one of my spiritual gifts. And that is key. It is a spiritual gift, which means it is only truly fruitful when my eyes are on my Savior and my heart is surrendered to Him in love. When I do that, He fills me up to overflowing, so that others are refreshed as well. I am realizing that right now, for whatever reason, I need to be intentional about spending even more time with him, praying, reading his words to me, and worshipping Him by myself. Without those things, I will continue to cut myself off from his truth and comfort.
God forgive me for not keeping my eyes on you. I don't know why this is harder now than it ever has been before, but I need your help. Thank you for your love and grace that never give up on me, and gently guide me back to you. I pray that my heart and eyes would be clear as they are set on you. I want to know you, I want to know your heart. Please overcome my fears with your perfect peace and help my unbelief. Your sacrifice has purchased my freedom and I am yours; your vessel to use as you desire. I trust that you always have my best in mind and I surrender to your plans even when they don't look like mine. (Which is always ha.) Don't let me fall any further away from you. May we seek you above all else and desire to live a life through your power that is honoring to you. Guide us into the plans you have for us, overcome our hearts with your love. Amen.
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